The Good, The Bad, and the Fugly

Here are some things I learned in the first 13 weeks of pregnancy:

THE GOOD:

• b00bies people, the bewbies are awesome! Was only able to wear one bra comfortably for the past 6 weeks, wore it so much there were permanent sweat stains and it started to rip, oops. Got remeasured and was tickled pink to find out I am up a whole cup size
• sex has reached a new level of phenomenal…I’m talking fireworks with loud marching band music playing in the background as a large stadium of people cheer on phenomenal…husbands of pregnant women, if she is denying you sex for whatever reason – it’s probably made up and the both of you are really missing out big time
• I fart shamelessly in front of my husband…before pregnancy, I rarely passed gas around him, usually waited until I was alone or walked out of the room. Now, I let ’em rip! The first time it happened, we were in the car and it was like a very long and prolonged trumpet blast, much louder than even I anticipated! It was really quiet for a second and then he turned to look at me and say, “I did not expect that to come out from you.” HAHAHAHAHA
• my nails are so strong and grow so fast! Prob all the vitamins I’m taking
• my hair hardly sheds now and grows fast too…and the part closest to my scalp is so healthy and shiny! the ends, however, are still pretty frazzled from all the chemical processing I have undergone in the past two years… I have really thick hair to begin with and now it’s gets a little frizzy and hard to manage, but less time cleaning up hair off the bathroom floor
• it’s okay to be a little helpless…milk it a little before someone really helpless (i.e. the baby) enters your life and will require everyone’s undivided attention, hee hee, Husband, I love youuuu!
• my dreams are so vivid and awesome lately…need to start a dream journal to remember them more clearly. For example, last week, I had a dream that I was friends with Emma Stone and we needed to exploit our good for nothing boss. We dressed up like men to trick him into giving us crucial evidence to incriminate himself, but Emma almost blew her cover because she forgot to take off her nail polish. Dummy.

THE BAD:

• morning sickness is for real folks, except it’s not only in the morning and it was obviously an idiot male doctor that labeled it as such
• tired takes on a whole new meaning…respect to all the working women who trudge through, especially working moms with other children. I shamelessly take naps whenever my body tells me I need one
• throwing up has triggered some very unpleasant memories of my struggle with my body image when I was younger…sometimes my brain tries to tell me I’m getting fat and completely forgets that I’m pregnant – what a BITCH! (will dedicate a whole entry to this phenomena later)
• what the frak is up with the constant peeing?! Especially at night?? I wake up at least 4-5 times a night, if not more
• the pms’y emotional roller coaster…makes me feel a little bipolar
• nipples, that is all

AND THE FUGLY:

• I need to chew my food more…I learned the hard way when I had to pull out strands of udon noodles that got stuck in my throat mid-vomit…yea, almost as exciting as it sounds
• Indian food looks the same coming up as it does going down…it also tastes the same
• diarrhea…although I would prefer this over constipation that “feels like its ripping my butthole” (direct quote from my 20+ week pregnant friend), when combined with vomiting, it leaves you so weak and fatigued you feel utterly beaten down
• I have really yet to enjoy pregnancy…at this point, I only want one child. Does this make me a bad/selfish person??

STUPID MOBILE APP!!!!!

Not sure what happened, but apparently my stupid mobile app decided to delete my last entry “What Dreams May Come”…UNCONTROLLABLE PREGNANT RAGE starts….NOW ARRRGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! When I feel up to it, I will have to re-write…GAHHHHH, how annoying! I had 3 likes from 3 people that I didn’t even know…well hello cell phone, HULK SMASH!

anyway, so that really made my blood pressure spike haha…i’m back to normal now enjoying a healthy breakfast and a glass of milk

Headaches and Nipples and Mood Swings, Oh My!

I know this is going to sound so horrible, but I am not enjoying being pregnant…this has nothing against the baby growing in my belly because that is a precious gift that my husband and I both treasure and can’t wait to welcome into the world, but seriously, Eve royally effed us women in the A with a redwood tree trunk…would pregnancy be different if Eve hadn’t deceived Adam to eat the apple? Or would labor have been easier but pregnancy just as crappy? Who knows, but again, thanks Eve, thanks a lot. When I see you in Heaven, I’m gonna bitch slap you.

The increase in hormones during pregnancy wreaks havoc on the body…I’ve already covered the basics: nausea and food aversions…however, here are a few more:

HEADACHES
Holy Headaches, Batman! I’m not even sure why, but I bet you the extra hormones have something to do with it! Apparently they will go away by the end of the first trimester…but guess what? It’s the beginning of second and I have been waking up with one every morning for the past 3 weeks. Pounding, very acute headaches that don’t go away until about midday. Although there is a short list of okay’d medication to take, I am trying to take the most holistic approach during my pregnancy because nothing is really 100% safe…so I just have to deal with it. Drink extra water (which by the way tastes awful lately…it’s water for crying out loud!) and get extra sleep…I try to do some acupressure on myself and I think it works, but these headaches have got to stop.

NIPPLES
Remember how much I was loving my bigger boobies? Well, as your boobies grow, all things associated with them also grow…and yes, I am talking about nipples and the surrounding area. Did I mention they also change colors? Much like breasts, nipples come in a delightful assortment of colors and sizes…during pregnancy, I’m pretty sure they only come in one style: large and dark. If you have small, pink nipples…they will become big and dark. If you have big, dark nipples…yes, they will get bigger and even darker. For my girlfriends, they know which category I fall into…go ahead and laugh, you have my permission. Again, thank you hormones. For me, they really detract from the sexiness of having big boobs for once in my life…perhaps it’s God’s way of reminding us that our bigger boobs are not for sex appeal – they are meant to produce and provide sustenance for the baby. On a slight tangent, with baby in mind, they are also born with very limited vision…perhaps the bigger, darker nipple is like a honing device. Not that it makes me feel any better, just sayin!

MOOD SWINGS
Oh yes, the mood swings. I admit, I have a hot temper, but only those closest to me know what I’m talking about. Usually my hot, short fuse is most apparent right before my period…well, now it seems like I have PMS all the time now…sometimes I’m really annoyed, or angry for no reason, and other times I feel weepy and emotional. For example, on our way to Philadelphia, there was a man on our flight that annoyed me to no ends. When he was placing his bags overhead, he removed our jackets, telling us we were taking up too much space. First of all, DON’T TOUCH MY SHIT. Second of all, hello you just put TWO bags up – don’t you ever fly? One bag overhead and one bag under the seat in front of you. My blood pressure spiked, “Excuse me, but you can just squish the jackets above the bags,” with a little more attitude than needed. Same man then walks to back of plane…hey, dude, why are you putting your bag up in the front when you sit way in the back is what I was thinking as blood pressure continues to rise. Incident is almost forgotten as I rejoice over the empty seat in our row…woo hoo, time to leisurely sprawl out. But wait, moments after the doors close, same man from before comes to claim the empty seat! WHAT THE HECK, GO BACK TO YOUR ORIGINAL SEAT BUDDY! Blood pressure skyrockets, my husband can see it written all over my face – he is highly amused. Then as we taxi, annoying man says something to my husband which I heard as, “You’re in my space.” Uh hello, let my husband who is in the MIDDLE have the freaking armrest…don’t you know plane etiquette? That was the last straw from this annoying man, I leaned over and said, “What the hell is your problem, man?!!” more than ready to start a fight. The pregnant unreasonable side of me wanted to have that man kicked off the plane…it turns out, my husband was accidently “resting his foot” on the annoying man’s foot (he answered in a very rational, very nice voice). Oops.

I am hoping my pregnant body will normalize somewhat so that I can finally enjoy being pregnant! This week, week 14, marks the beginning of the 2nd trimester and the nausea is starting to pitter off a little- at the moment, it’s an upward battle with some major losses, usually at night. The fatigue is still a killer, but I don’t have diarrhea as often as before, and my boobs are still growing. Oh and my belly is the slightest bit bigger since last week…which sadly just makes me feel like I’m fat more than anything else:

The Death of a Salami

The extreme, EXTREME nausea is slowly starting to go away and last week and this week (week 12 and 13) were great weeks compared to the previous 8…the nausea comes and goes, but at least it’s not 24/7 and I’ve only thrown up twice, which is a huge improvement from my daily rendez-vous with the ceramic throne.

Last week though, was a particularly violent episode…there was blood every time I heaved into the toilet. And then when I went in for Round 2, it was the type of throw up you get only after a really hard night of drinking…liquid, bile and flecks of brown. Sorry to be so graphic, but if you have a pregnant friend or wife, maybe my honesty will help you be more empathetic! My husband always asks how he can help (I know, he’s an A++ sweetie), but unless I can telepathically transfer all the horrible symptoms to him for 10 minutes, all he can really do is empathize. And maybe give me a foot massage 😉

But last week was such a breakthrough! I still can’t walk into a grocery store without being hit by a tidal wave of nausea and eating at restaurants is close to impossible, but I was able to add some food items to my list of things I can eat: tomato sauce, pasta, soba noodles with a lightly spiced sauced, and chocolate chip cookies.

Actually, most of these new additions came in the form of intense CRAVINGS. For example, one morning, as soon as my eyes opened, I declared that I NEEDED milk and cookies. Chocolate chip cookies. Everything tasted like sand until I got my milk and cookies. I was even able to control myself and eat only half a cookie (I don’t want to get gestational diabetes!) with a glass of milk, but it was the most glorious half cookie ever eaten in my life. Milk and chocolate chip cookie halves have been a breakfast staple for the past week.

That craving was followed the next day by my body’s urgent cry for PASTA. So I stopped by the local La Madeleine and ordered the Chicken Pesto Pasta…it was delicious, but for some reason it wasn’t satisfying. What my silly body forgot to specify was that she wanted PASTA with TOMATO BASED SAUCE. I didn’t realize that tomato sauce was the missing link until I was driving by a Fazoli’s (I know! Of all things, fast food italian? Blech!) when my mouth suddenly began salivating like a rabid dog…mmmm, baked spaghetti…drooollll

I had to have it…and that I did for 3 days straight + Sunday lunch. Sadly, tomato sauce is acidic and I get the worst heartburn/stomachaches, but so worth it for the party in my mouth.

Exactly my sentiments

Yesterday, I wanted ice cream…so I went to the local Marble Slab and got me a big ole sundae: cheesecake ice cream with vanilla cake mix-in, topped with strawberry sauce, whipped cream, peanuts, and of course the quintessential cherry on top. I didn’t like the whipped cream so much, but other than that it was 10 minutes in heaven…followed by 2 hours in hell. I don’t understand why I crave something only to have it rejected later. Stupid body, stupid cravings…bitch.

Also, I can tolerate the taste of garlic again (yahoo!), the smell however is a completely different story. Celery and bell peppers with ranch dip is pretty good too and stays down! Will have to try and add that to my diet on a regular basis…veggies are always good, ranch dip – not so much, but whatever, at this point, I’ll eat just about anything to break up the monotony! Apples, pears, pineapples, and strawberries are acceptable as well…they taste like CANDY! (Strawberries taste particularly delicious after being steeped in milk).

However, it was a sad week for salami sandwiches and lemonade…I can no longer stand the sight of either of them. I’m not sure what happened, but the pleasure they gave me before just no longer exists. If anything, I find salami revolting and lemonade might as well be piss in a cup. Sad I know, as all break up are, but thanks for the memories, y’all were good to me when nothing else could soothe my cantankerous stomach.

Pathetic Pregnant Belly

I wasn’t really planning on writing a new entry so soon nor did I want to do the cliche belly pictures, but my brother inspired me after our conversation today!

We were chatting on the phone and he was asking about how the pregnancy was going…(btw he reads my blog and said it was funny…it felt like I won blogger of the year). He was asking if I was showing yet so I sent him this picture of my 12 week belly the hubby took last night:

Mid-conversation, he starts laughing, “That is the most pathetic pregnant belly I’ve ever seen! Sis, I’ve seen you bigger when we lived together pre-boyfriend!”

He’s so funny…and yes, it’s still quite little (and yes, I did get quite chubby in LA for awhile…15+ hour long days at a desk next to a well stocked craft services did not help…I still felt damn sexay though). It also doesn’t help that a tumultuous first trimester has actually led to a weight loss rather than gain.

But I swear there is more belly there than it seems! Maybe it’s really more the way it feels to me since I know my body best (a little hard bump right under the belly button area), but I can’t wear my skinny pants (pants that look best when you’re at your skinniest) anymore 😦

I improvised a belly band because it was way uncomfortable to button those puppies up. Now I know what size I need to be post-baby…I will be vigorously exercising my way back into those pants specifically after baby is born.

And just as I was thinking the nausea was going away, I needed to take a break from writing to have a violent vomiting episode. Awesome. I think I need to do it again so goodbye for now.

My Body is a Wonderland

The more I think about it, how awesome is it that I have a miniature human growing inside of me? The whole concept and miracle of creation is mind-blowing…at the same time, it is very much alien-like except at the end, I won’t have an alien bursting out of my chest. Instead, I’ll have a mini human bursting out of my vagina. Sounds equally painful to me! Maybe giving birth is more painful because at least you die after the alien bursts through your chest whereas you are fully awake and alive during and after the birthing process…terrifying!

Below is another scan from last week’s ultra sound…the head is to the left and there’s his/her little arm! I think he/she may be sucking his/her thumb…*awwwww* At 12 weeks, baby is only the size of a lime so that little arm is teeny tiny!

During the ultrasound I also saw the baby move for the first time!! It was incredible!! Jabbed out its arms like a little boxer. I can’t feel those movements yet, but I’m looking forward to feeling baby move around! Also kinda scared, what the heck is it going to feel like? Maybe I DO have an alien in my stomach.

But aside from all the weirdness and negatives about pregnancy thus far, there have been a few pluses. The one main thing, actually two main things, I am loving are…my BOOBS! I actually have some! It’s amazing how these suckers seem to grow every day…it’s awesome! I wasn’t ever flat-as-a-board flat, but I didn’t really have much of anything to flaunt up there. Now they’re like WHOA and from what I’ve been reading, they’re gonna get even bigger! Woo hoo, maybe I’ll get a boob job later down the road so they’re like this all the time. If I seem more chesty 10 years down the road, then this entry is your answer, yes they’re probably fake.

Now before any males reading this get all excited over boobies…let’s talk some more about the unglamorous things. For example, pregnancy does quite a number on your intestines. Some women experience constipation…others like me for instance, have to deal with the opposite. Yes, I am talking about diarrhea. There is also a whole lot of farting. Not only have I become more flatulently cacophonous, they are so thick and noxious, if I could somehow bottle it up like tear gas, the US Army could decimate their enemies with this new lethal weapon. Also, I dunno if it’s just me, or other women, but I’m pretty sure my BO has gotten bad…I’ve never had BO in my life other than when I played basketball in high school, but the other day I noticed that I smelled very acutely of pickles. Maybe I need to lay off those sweet pickles.

Anyway…the boobs, I think, are God’s way of rewarding husbands/boyfriends/significant others (gotta keep the 21st century audience in mind) for tolerating all the yucky side effects…”I’m sorry that your wife’s body is totally out of wack, but here, look at these breasts!” And I think the growing belly is thrown in there for a husband’s viewing pleasure also…every time they look at their wife’s belly growing with their baby inside of it, it’s a reminder to give their penis a high five…good job, it all works.

My blog may be TMI for some, but don’t worry, at least I’ll never be like this person: